One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Trying
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this