Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight