This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
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ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener