Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
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A closed mouth gathers no fries.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Passwords are more important than ever.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
There’s always that one guy
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle