The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
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Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.