I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
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My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit