ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
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You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
whatcha thinkin bout
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.