“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
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The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan