grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
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Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.