three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
You Might Also Like
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Cake safety first. Always.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
What a chick magnet..
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.