transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
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Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
time machine? you mean a clock?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*