Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Looking at you, Jesus.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans