Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
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“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
The “baby” on the left….
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.