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THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together