And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
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God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The game has officially changed 😎
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
5 ways to appear taller
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.