When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
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airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Goodnight 🐶
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Love it! 👍😂
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
This will never not be funny to me.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth