A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
dream blunt rotation
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.