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wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe