Favourite diary entry ever
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The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
For when Tinder doesn’t work
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator