doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.