I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
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took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”