Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
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Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on