I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
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doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
He took my last fry, your honor
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.