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[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.