How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
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Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.