Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
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“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth