Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
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If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Perfect
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”