My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
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The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot