I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
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I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
dude it’s called proctologist
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something