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Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
bout dat hot dog summer
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away