In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
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Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Best seat on the street 😍
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Put the is in disheveled
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.