Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
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Print is alive and well!!!
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
smh
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I feel seen
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.