What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.