Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
excuse me
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor