If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
You Might Also Like
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line