Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.