I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.