Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
You Might Also Like
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird