Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
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british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.