Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.