“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
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Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Super Hand Dog Face
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.