I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
black phone good
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.