I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
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me irl
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
My sex drive has a dui
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
That’s not how days work.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit