You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
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lol
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there