Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
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BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Who chose this font
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?