Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
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MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Catering service
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I saw nothing
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
What