I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Not even remotely sorry.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.