My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.