Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*