friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
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*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…